We share in this post a real testimony of one of the readers of our blog. It is our wish that the experiences you relate can help you understand the real dimension of the effects of pornography on your life.
My mother has been everything to me.
I never had a father present in my childhood who taught me what is right, advised me, and loved me.
My mother was all that my father wasn’t to me.
My name is Brian (not his real name) and I’m 20 years old.
All my life, despite being my mother’s only child and she has done her best to teach me and be the best mother possible, the circumstances have not been favorable for her and me to have intimate confidence.
As I regret not having been honest with my mother about everything I lived and the bad deeds I did in secret.
In my view, my life has been a deep-water dive and hidden in a false peace.
As a child, I lived in a house that was scary at night, had nightmares, heard weird things at night, saw weird things, and sometimes felt under pressure.
I discovered masturbation at a very young age and never told anyone what I was doing.
Sometimes I would find myself on TV with shows that showed exhibitionist girls, and I was upset, and I started to like the girls more and that contributed to me feeling more desire to masturbate.
In the pre-adolescence stage, the first time I had internet in my house, my first search was images and videos of girls.
That progressively increased until I took to more explicit pornographic pages, and I lived with that life full of fantasies until the stage of adulthood.
I was very much in love, I was always excited about girls I liked, but I didn’t know how to start a conversation.
Going into adulthood, I had a job, I was excited about a girl and I took the disappointment that hurt me, I met another and also the same, in addition to starting to like a friend who was married.
But now I realize that was pure sexual desire.
I went into college and met a very pretty girl that I loved and guess: another disappointment, but this one didn’t hurt so much.
But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
| Matthew 5:28
My whole life was based on sexual desire and not on real love.
When I was going through financial problems at university, I thought about God and my past, and emotional conflicts entered me, which led me to seek God.
And the search began through prayer and the reading of Paul’s letters, which made me see what I do and do not do well.
Wanting to improve and trying not to desire women, I fell into temptation, but do not take it too carefully and asked for forgiveness superficially as something normal.
Then I would try to control myself and restrict my impulses by focusing my mind on other things, but those things were still earthly things.
I would pray for everything I wanted to do with myself and others, and to give thanks, and I realized that horrible, demonic images appeared in my prayers.
I resisted more and more my impulses, until I read the gospel of Matthew or Mark, in which I said:
And so I tell you, every kind of sin and slander can be forgiven, but blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven.
| Matthew 12:31
From that moment on, I had blasphemous thoughts with the Holy Spirit, which gave me despair and fear.
I thought God would never forgive me anymore.
From that moment my thoughts became uncontrollable, and it was one blasphemy after another, one uglier than the other, until I began to have sexual thoughts also against God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit.
I regret my existence, and wish I was not born.
In my despair, in seeking God’s forgiveness in prayer I calmed down, but the thoughts were uncontrollable, and I became desperate again because I now had sexual thoughts of the pornography I had seen.
In my anger, I had a bad thought, saying: That there is evil in doing evil.
I lamented after that and cried for my luck.
I couldn’t sleep and concentrated on work.
I felt hopeless and unable to ever have forgiveness.
Which led me to think about leaving everything and continuing as it was, but it slowed me down out of fear.
I couldn’t pray and if I prayed I cried.
I felt empty and unsatisfied, I read the Bible and I started wanting to forget that and continue.
I read the Bible further and found hope, until I read in 2 Corinthians 7:10 which says:
Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.
I turned my head around with that verse, because I knew inside me that something was wrong.
And I get there until I stay reading Hebrews 10:26, Hebrews 6:4-6, and Hebrews 12:16-17.
I felt like those verses were for me, because I didn’t stop doing or feeling what I did before.
Also, my blasphemous and sexual thoughts did stop, which made me feel hypocritical.
I felt so scared, I found friends who helped me feel better.
But it didn’t last long until I felt in a lot of despair and cravings for feeling sexual pleasure, as I had seen something that attracted me a lot on YouTube.
I became the madman wanting to ignore what I could not, and continue in that and from one pass me to another, and I saw things that seduced me and mixed with the desperation.
The abstinence that I had done, led me to continue looking for things that were not pornography itself, but I was attracted because it was in itself something related to it and I fell into masturbation.
I spent some time accepting what had happened and regaining my spirits.
Thoughts became less frequent, it seemed that God was listening to me and continue in my search for repentance.
For a while, I felt good and hopeful until stronger thoughts were triggered at me, which led me to fall back into masturbation.
Although I do not like to admit it and I want to deny it, at that time I felt hopeless because on the one hand it felt good what I had done and on the other was what God thought of me, and I was ashamed.
Seeking forgiveness in prayer, weeping, and pleading.
I would read the Bible, which made me regain strength.
But I started to have negative thoughts which made me feel hypocritical, because I was feeling a lot of attraction towards women and I tried as much as possible not to see them or turn my gaze.
Although I did, I could not stop thinking about them and I despaired because there was also the subject of God in my thoughts.
I went to a church that I had seen, and I really liked the doctrine and the truths which I didn’t know and that the preacher taught.
I saw that he taught with the truth, and I dedicated myself to going there and finding hope.
But on the way to church and from church to my house, I was disappointed, because I wanted to do good, and I couldn’t.
I would get on a bus on my way to church and suffer many temptations which made me feel bad, because it fell with my thoughts.
I prayed so much for strength, but it seemed to make me weaker.
And it pains me to admit it, but I think I liked to be tempted.
In my search for answers, in desperation, I looked for several things on the internet that did not help me and in one of those searches, I saw testimonies of people with that problem.
But what caught me was a blatant testimony of an immoral life of a woman, which hooked me in reading and made me boil my blood.
I couldn’t get that out of my head, and my bad thoughts and desires only intensified to the point of losing self-control.
Which made me fall back into masturbation.
And so, in my search for information in desperation, I looked for something and went for another that made me sin.
Now I realize that I was doing it on the pretext of justifying my desire to fall, until I can’t stand it anymore and in my pride and anger I went and watched pornography on purpose.
How much I regret having done that.
Now I seek God, hoping that he will forgive me and lift me up.
Pray for that, despite my fears of what I did and what might happen.
I realize that I have not felt a deep desire to serve God, despite wanting to be free from these desires.
I must admit that I am terrified of the things I did and the thoughts I have.
I’m trying to get out of this.
And I want to do things right and regain my will to do the good and justice that God wants.
I want to feel like I’m his son.
My wish, for those who see this, is that they are not the way I was.
Be determined and don’t follow in my footsteps.
God wants to adopt them as children, and he wants to be their father.
If you are involved in pornography and masturbation, please leave it before it causes you harm.
If you are leaving it and want to be children of God and followers of Jesus Christ, please do not do what I do.
God is powerful to keep you without falling, the important thing is not to want to fall.
This is serious, do not follow my example and gain encouragement.
These are the harms of pornography.
Don’t let pornography destroy your life and your morals.
Reconnect with God through Jesus.
For those who had no Father, I have no doubt that God can be a fabulous Father, and doing his will must be incredible.
My wish to you is that you have what I want, that you get that freedom and that joy for being from God, even if the path is not easy.
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’
The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
There is no commandment greater than these.”
| Mark 12:30 – 31
May God bless you.
What has been your experience with pornography? Share it with us in a comment at the bottom to help others.
If you need help, a helping hand or an ear to listen to you. If you just want to chat write me an email at email@example.com, it will be my privilege to be in touch.